I've had so much hate against my birth dad. He left my mom when I was still in her stomach and when I finally came out she tried to tell him about me and send pictures. He never appreciated it and told her to stop sending them. I remember before she told me about this I used to always call for my dad when my mom would get mad at me. When I did she would say "Why are you calling for him when he didn't even want you? He will never love you like I do." I would defend myself and say she's wrong and it would just go on. I always cried for him because I wanted to be selfish and have two people love me. Every time my birthday would come, I would wish for him to come home and tell me why he's been gone all this time. It was so hard for me because I always wanted a daddy figure. I wanted to go up to my dad and tell him about how boys are so icky and even have him say to me that I'm "daddy's girl.", and that he will always protect me. I always wanted him to be there when we went on trips out of Stockton. There was this one time where I wanted to tape a picture of him with me and my mom at Disneyland, but I couldn't find one of him ): so instead I drew a picture of him of how he would look. When I was out of that phase, I always got attached to my mom's boyfriends and I never understood why they didn't last. But as I kept getting older, everything started making sense. I was finally able to talk to my real dad. I was a Freshmen in high school at the Philippines. As my uncle dialed the number, I was getting nervous and furious at the same time. I kept thinking of what to say and what to ask. Somehow I still managed to smile while I was talking to him. Although it was a short conversation, I will never forget what we talked about. I wanted to cry in his face so bad and make him feel sorry for what he has done to me for 15 years. Making me believe that he always wanted to see me and that he was going to be there for me. Gawd.. there were just so many questions that were gathering in my mind. When he actually asked me to forgive him for not being a father to me, I said Idk we'll see. It was right there when I said I'll ttyl and hung up. After that I went straight to the chapel. I prayed and asked God what I should do. I finally got it in my heart to forgive him. Although he wasn't the father I hoped to be, he was still my father that helped bring me to this world. 

It's been almost 4 years since that day and I still think of him and cry that things were better. But my mom's been playing both roles for the longest time and I give her thumbs up. I love her and my step dad no doubt. It's just I wanted to be his daddy's girl ):